I’m scared to death of cockroaches.

Whenever I tell people in New York City this fact about myself, they laugh hysterically and say “You moved to the wrong city, sweetie!” And I know that the information these people tell me is completely true. Cockroaches are everywhere in New York City, but it’s not something I want or will chose to deal with on a daily basis.

I am telling the truth when I say I’ve been having panic attacks about them lately. Thank the New York City roach-gods that I have NEVER seen one of the filthy things in my apartment. NEVER! I have been blessed with a pretty decent renovated apartment building. One that isn’t infested with mice or cockroaches, although I wouldn’t mind seeing a little furry animal scurrying around every once in a while. (I know, I’m sick.)

But cockroaches are a completely different story.

I have to say, I do see one every once in a while in my place of employment. Usually down in the basement. There are a few times where I’ve had to beg one of my fellow employees to go down to the basement to get me a shipping box. Sometimes, I actually feel strong about them – that if I encounter one that day, I will be completely fine… but when I see one, all the strength is gone. I jump up on chairs, I scream, I have actually gotten tears in my eyes because of these nasty long antenna, little eyed monsters – with their long legs and crunchy blackish-brown bodies.

So help me God, I will not live in an apartment where I will see a cockroach everyday. I will not see one every week, for that matter! After Charlie and I move out of this cockroach-free apartment next month into an apartment that might not be so “cockroach-free,” I will place traps in every corner, under every chair, table, couch, in every cabinet, drawer, nook-and-cranny… I will put a fucking cockroach trap in the bathtub if I have to! I will do anything not to come face-to-face with one of those things that are sometimes the size of a small squirrel.

Then I thought… we’re getting a cat! She’ll take care of it! But then I remembered that cats like to bring their owners “presents.” There were times when I was a little girl when I woke up with a spider or a cricket on me – with my sweet kitty standing there on my bed with a look on her face that said, “Here, I got it for you.” If my new cat does that with a cockroach, I don’t know what I’d do. Just thinking about it makes me feel like I don’t want a cat!

SEE! Now I’m talking crazy!!

I was on the phone with a broker yesterday who is trying to find us an apartment. When she was asking me our price-range and where we wanted to live - I had to hold back saying: “You can find us anything you want! I will live in the ghetto… but that apartment better be free of cockroaches!”